Tips From Farm Conflict Resolution Expert Elaine Froese

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Meet Elaine Froese

Elaine Froese is a professional speaker, certified coach, author, and farmer from southwest Manitoba, Canada. She’s an expert on family farm succession and conflict resolution, and has worked with farm families for more than 30 years.

Froese joined me on the 15 Minutes With a Farmer podcast, where we talked about keeping family and business relationships separate, discussing difficult topics, living an intentional life, and communicating so every voice at the table is heard.

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Froese has been featured in Successful Farming in the following articles:

Transcript

Please note: This transcript has not been edited.

Lisa Foust Prater: Welcome to the 15 Minutes with a Farmer Podcast from Successful Farming, I’m your host, Lisa Foust Prater.

My guest today is Elaine Froese. She is a professional speaker, certified coach, author, and farmer from southwest Manitoba, Canada. As an expert on family farm succession and conflict resolution, she has worked with farm families across North America for more than 30 years.

In each episode, I have a quick 15 minute conversation with a farmer to hear their story and share their experience, expertise, and life lessons. 

Elaine, thank you so much for joining me today on 15 minutes with a farmer.

Elaine Froese: Glad to be here.

Lisa Foust Prater: It’s nice to talk to you again. I’ve interviewed you a couple of times for different articles throughout the years, and you’re such a great expert when it comes to things like transitions and just communication in families, which is always such a major issue, and we’ll get into that. But first, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your background and life on the farm?

Elaine Froese: Well, I’ve always been involved in agriculture. grew up on a farm just right next door to Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. And then I became an extension home economist and moved to Southwestern Manitoba, which is where I live now in a small town area called Boissevain and married a farmer. we have a, my husband Wes and our son Ian, who is our successor farm, 5,000 acres certified seed farm. But in terms of working with families, I’ve been working with families for over 30 years and call myself now a farm family coach and have a team of coaches who are helping families find harmony through understanding. We do that work through coaching and facilitation and conflict resolution and mediation. And I also do a lot of speaking quite joyfully in the US too. So I’m happy to encourage ranch families and farm families across the Midwest.

Lisa Foust Prater: That’s wonderful. Yeah, I saw that you’re going to be at the Nebraska Women in Ag conference, which is one of my favorite conferences and I will be there so I will come find you. Yeah, that’ll be fun. So as we are heading into a new year and thinking about goals, reflecting on the past year, thinking about what’s to come, you know, it’s a good time to think about a lot of things, whether it’s professional goals as far as succession, getting those things nailed down, so, so important, and also just, you know, communication with your family. So

I thought it might be fun if we just talked a little bit about some of the issues that you see with farm families in communicating. It’s unique. It’s a unique setup when you’re working with your family and it can just be so difficult.

Elaine Froese: Well, and there’s family business principles too, Lisa. And one of the key things is the family circle needs to be somehow separated from the business circle. So now people are anticipating some gathering time and also looking at maybe having some reflection time as well now that the season has changed again. I’m working on, we have a new thing called the Farm Family Harmony Membership Site. So we have 55 families that are coming together three times a month for group coaching. And one woman this week said, Elaine, we’ve been with you for a year and we still feel stuck. And I go, that doesn’t sound very good. But it’s the reality, Lisa, is that the unfolding of making changes and transition is an ongoing process. And some people are willing to come to the table and some aren’t at a certain stage of readiness or willingness to do that. 

According to the research of a psychologist from Canada, Dr. Nikki Girard, she studied farm families for over 12 years in Saskatchewan, way back in the late 90s. But her research showed that the families that were resilient and able to move and transition through change had very strong communication skills. They were able to celebrate the wins and celebrate the good successes that they had. And they were also willing to connect to community, which means they were willing to reach outside of the family circle when they needed advice or help or support from community. 

So for families listening to this today, have some boundaries around how much talking you do about the farm business at the table. Have a family check-in meeting in terms of what are the wins? What do we feel good about what happened this year? And where are the gaps and what do we want to shift for next year? it’s kind of a state of the union kind of thing for your farm and for your family because non-farm kids do care about the farm quite typically, but often they’re left out of the loop and it would be really good to start managing people’s expectations with better communication. So a question like, what would you like your relationship to the farm to be going forward now that you’ve left home? Another good question for the moms and dads would be, mom, what do you need right now that you’re not getting? And Lisa, we should ask that question when we go to Kearney to the Women in Ag Conference. Because if any of those women had someone from their family say, hey, by the way, mom,

What do you need right now that you’re not getting? Mom would fall over, I suspect. Don’t you think? So it’s a checking in. Are we in alignment? Are we all going in the same direction? Is everybody happy with their roles and responsibilities in the current state? And what needs to shift?

Lisa Foust Prater: You know, that shift from your kids being at home to your kids leaving, whether it’s going off to college or if they are seeking a job elsewhere or just even still working on the farm, but moving physically out of your house, it’s such a big change in your life. Just asking flat out, what do you want your relationship with the farm to be. I think that’s, you know, it’s such a simple thing, but I feel like people don’t do that or think to do that necessarily because, you know, the kids may be thinking, well, I’ll just come home whenever and work whenever. And the parents may be thinking like, I still need you if you’re able, you know, and just getting it all out in the open and talking about it before there’s a blow up just feels like such a wonderful idea.

Elaine Froese: Well, and the other thing that we’ll be talking about at these conferences is about discussing the undiscussable, how to, and living an intentional life. So those are the common themes I’m speaking about this winter, but it’s the whole thing around conflict being an exploration of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. So the five, and this is what I want to shout out to your listeners this morning, Lisa, is no matter what communication block or stuckness your experience is can you put yourself in the other person’s shoes and create perspective? Can you express your emotions in a respectful way and say, I’m really frustrated or I’m really sad or I’m really hurt or I’m afraid, whatever that looks like. 

Another one is to reach out and say, Hey, are you okay? Like, it seems like you’re not talking a lot at these family gatherings and you’re keeping a lot inside. And we have this saying in our, in our coaching practice, love does not read minds. Like I have no idea what you’re thinking, feeling, needing or wanting right now until we have this conversation. So it’s a really important perspective. 

The other thing that a year goes by as we know really quickly, and when farm families look at the year 2025, Lisa, Y2K was 25 years ago. That was 25 years ago. I just wanted to plant that seed that time is going to go by. And there’s a joke that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it rolls. And I have 60 and 70 year old farmers going, I can’t believe how fast this year went by. And so people need to pay attention about what is it they truly want and is everybody pulling in the same direction because I think ultimately that’s what farm families want, right? They want people to get along, to be happy, to be together and to have the passion to make this the most incredible farm year we’ve ever had, regardless of what the outside circumstances look like.

Lisa Foust Prater: Right. You know, I mean, when you have an office job or any sort of off the farm job you do at the end of the year, for the most part, you you’re asked to set goals for the coming year. You meet with your manager. You talk about the past year and did you meet your goals and all of that. And that’s something that that a lot of farm families just don’t do. 

Elaine Froese: Well, and I’d like to pick up on that thought that you just gave because a lot of young farmers come back from college really excited to get her done and let’s make this, you know, let’s make some changes here and let’s let’s let this happen. But I want everybody who’s under 40 listening to this today to think about are your mom and dad as the founders of your farm or your grandparents in some cases, are they on the same page? And that’s the problem, Lisa, is that quite typically one of the spouses says, look, I’m tired, I’m done. I’ve given you my best 45 years here. When is it my turn to get what I need? Ooh, there’s a painful question. When is it my turn to get what I need? And so we have this disconnect between the founders, the mom and the dad, about what they want not being the same thing anymore.

And that is a recipe for stalling. And so as a young person coming back to the farm or being more self-aware and more aware of what other people around you are needing, there’s a big hint there that if your parents are, and you know, your parents may be in conflict or have high tension, but they’re hiding it from you. And so I would ask some pretty strong curiosity questions of, “Just curious dad, you know, what does stepping back look like to you without stepping away? I’m not trying to push you off this farm, but I’m kind of getting the sense here that mom’s not really happy doing this anymore and she’s looking for her roles to change. So when are we going to start talking about that?”

Lisa Foust Prater: Yeah, just coming out and asking the question. Yeah, that can be a hard thing, you know, and especially when you’re sensitive to the fact that if you’re the young farmer coming back, that, you know, for your dad and or your mom, that it’s not just their job, it’s their whole identity. And how do you step away from it? You know, it’s a really hard thing.

Elaine Froese: Well, and again, that’s a choice too, Lisa, that whole identity thing. Lynn Sykes did a podcast with Amy Hughes from the UK and Lynn is retired now, I think, in Australia, but she also talked about self-esteem and the intertwining with identity. And so then the question becomes, Dad, can you describe to me what a good day looks like on the farm as you’re aging? And ask mom the same question. And mom might need more connection to community, which is something that fuels and fills her cup. And so she may need to start traveling with her sister or best friend because dad’s quite happy just staying put, thank you very much. And so the other powerful question in communication, Lisa’s, where is it written? Where is it written that women have to travel with their husbands? really? Yeah. Okay, dad, you stay home. Mom’s taken off for a while. And again, challenging the way that you’ve always done things that that worked then, but that doesn’t work now. So we have another saying called, that was then, this is now.

Lisa Foust Prater: That is so good. Because it really does change the things that you want, the things that you need as you grow older, as your kids grow up, as your family changes, you lose parents. That changes it a lot for you. 

Elaine Froese: So in coaching, I trained as a Hudson Institute coach in Santa Barbara, California in 2003. And we have this map that we use called the cycle of renewal, Lisa. So this might also be helpful. So let’s look at the closing out of 2024 as a getting ready time. What are you getting ready for in 2025? And another fun activity, which my sister and I do sometimes, is we cut up old magazines and we make a vision board.

And it’s very interesting because when I was 50, I had a picture of a woman with a big floppy brimmed hat sitting on the end of a wooden dock by water. And I thought, I would love to have a lake house someday. Well, it came true when I was 61 years old. But it was interesting that I had put together this board of things that I wanted to see happen in my life, kind of as a different way of setting goals, right, of what you were working towards.

And I also used to, as a young girl, collect smiley faces. And so my postcard that I use at conferences on finding fairness and farm transition is a whole grouping of smiley faces, because that’s ultimately what people want. They want to be happy. They want their families to live in harmony. And they want people to thrive according to the gifts they’ve been given and using their passions. And that’s what’s so wonderful when agriculture as a culture is healthy is that people believe the same things and have the same values that they’re working towards. They behave well with each other. 

They want together at Christmas and they make decisions, Lisa, together. So what would it look like if you took a stuffy or a teddy bear or even a basketball? don’t care. A football. I know Americans love football. And use something as what we call a talking stick and let everybody around the table say, pass the football and say, you know, this is what I’m thankful for this year. I know you had American Thanksgiving, but gratitude is a great attitude to have all year round. What are the wins we had on the farm this year? What’s different? What do we envision going forward? And you know, my son just put in a ice rink for the first time last week for his three kids who are seven, six, and four, and they spent hours, hours skating just outside their farmhouse and moms crank in the window open and say, hey, anybody need a snack? And those are just kind of the memories that you think this is how good life gets when people can enjoy being where they’re placed and sort of the old saying blooming where they’re planted, right? That’s what we hope for.

Lisa Foust Prater: Right. that’s the good stuff. And I love the idea of the talking stick or ball or whatever it is, because, you know, it feels like at sometimes, sometimes when you’re having those conversations in a group setting with family, there are loud voices that tend to sort of take over. And I think it’s important to hear from everyone. And sometimes, you know, we’ve talked about how like the daughter’s in law, maybe, maybe no one’s necessarily asking them their thoughts if they’re not involved in the business, but they’re still a part of the family and the business still affects them a whole great deal. I think just listening to just listening to everyone at that table, you know, and it’s worth the time to find out how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And, you know, just listening to those voices that aren’t the dominant voices all of the time.

Elaine Froese: And that’s the function of the talking stick. Whoever’s holding the talking stick gets to speak uninterrupted and then says who would like it next and you pass it around and give everyone a voice at the table.

Lisa Foust Prater: That’s so important. I love that. Just giving everyone a voice at the table and being, you know, patient and respectful and listening. And like you said, right. And like you said, trying to put yourself in that person’s shoes is a real thing, because even though when you’re in a farm family, you’re all sort of dealing with a lot of the same kinds of things as far as the business goes. You’re all in the same physical location usually. But people’s lives are so different and people’s personalities and their needs are so different. Yeah, it feels like that’s a great way to also sort of check in on people’s mental health as well.

Elaine Froese: I also want to encourage people, another saying we have is different is not wrong, it’s just different. And so you want to create a culture where there’s no judgment, but there’s lots of curiosity. And checking in on people very frequently, not just once a year at Christmas time. Farm management practitioners will often say, you know, weekly meetings for operational strategic meetings, quarterly and an annual review. And I had one family one time, which is another idea is not just getting together at your farmhouse, but had this family who actually booked a hotel, Lisa, with a water slide so the kids could have fun. But they they made it a celebratory weekend to celebrate what had happened during the year on the farm. And it was an occasion for both farm family and non-farm family members to really just celebrate being together as family, but also celebrating what had happened on the farm that year.

Lisa Foust Prater: That’s great. What a wonderful way to start a new year and looking ahead, reflecting, being grateful and and looking ahead, listening to everyone and their thoughts on the new year. that’s wonderful. Well, Elaine, you’re doing such fantastic work. I love following you. Your podcast is so excellent. I’m going to share all of all of those links in our show notes so that our readers can find you. And thank you for being such a great resource for me as well. These are really important issues to our readers. And it’s wonderful for me to have experts who I can call on when these things come up.

Elaine Froese: Happy to do that. Well, we’re walking the talk, Lisa, because we’re farming and we’re building skating rinks and we’re unplugging augers in the cold and pushing snow at the end of the lane. So I wish everyone true peace and joy as they unpack what needs to be dealt with and remember that it’s their farm, it’s their family. And they get to choose how they show up to create an amazing culture in their farm family to get that harmony through understanding. So I hope that if they do follow our work at Farm Family Coach that they’ll find tips and tools that they can practice. And I’d also like to give a shout out to the listeners who actually reach out to me because you and I do this work and we cast things out into cyberspace or the airwaves or to the printed word and you never know what a difference it’s made. So that’s just been a huge reward for me over the past three or four decades is to hear how families are making steps and are celebrating good things. So it’s really nice to hear the successful farming happening. Right.

Lisa Foust Prater: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that’s beautiful. I love that. Well, Elaine, thank you so much. It’s been such a joy to talk to you today as always. Yay, I’m so excited. It’s such a great conference. I look forward to see you there.

Elaine Froese: And I’ll see you in February. Yeah. Okay. Everybody sign up now. I think the registrations are out soon for women in ag.

Lisa Foust Prater: Yes, I will share a link to that on the in the show notes as well. And hopefully we’ll see a lot of our a lot of our listeners there. 

Thank you for listening. Please subscribe, rate, and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Open the latest issue of Successful Farming and visit us online at agriculture.com for more interesting features and news for your farm and Join me next week for another episode of 15 Minutes With a Farmer.