Tempers and feelings of neglect are a part of harvest

Here on our farm in northeast Kansas, harvest is in full swing. We, unlike so many others, are incredibly dry, and no rain is predicted for a couple of weeks — at least. That could go a couple different ways. There’s no rain so there’s no huge push to work incredibly long hours. Or, there’s no rain predicted so that means it’s full steam ahead to get it done before it would start raining.

There are four of us on our operation, but only three of us — my father-in-law, my husband, and myself — who run equipment. My mother-in-law will transport us around and feed us when I don’t have time to get food packed. Then luckily, my dad and sister help us when they are available and we need it. We’re toeing the line between dropping from exhaustion from working all the hours and staying healthy by getting enough sleep and eating the right foods. It’s a fine line and we never balance it right because each of us is so different.

I farm side by side with my husband and have done so since we were married almost 11 years ago. I grew up running equipment and farming with my parents. There isn’t many things I won’t do on the farm.

Around planting and harvest season I start seeing the posts in farmer wives groups about feeling neglected and that they never see their partner and he’s always in such a short temper when they do. I’m “with” my husband all day every day. I say “with” because we’re hardly ever actually together in the same thing, but looking at each other through different windshields. But I still get the feeling of neglect and definitely the short temper side of it. So I can only imagine those feelings when you don’t get to see your partner all day.

Here’s what I would say to those fellow farm wives:

1. Your husband loves you.

I know it’s hard to feel this time of year. I’m constantly reminding myself that my husband is a good willed man who wants the best for us. Every marriage has its problems, but if both of you are committed to honoring your vows and figuring it out, you’re halfway there.

I can’t tell you what any man is thinking nor should I really try, but I’ll take a stab at it. Farmers are under so much pressure. Horrible commodity prices, record input prices, sky-high land and equipment prices, and a general public that has a huge mistrust in what we’re doing out here makes this lifestyle incredibly stressful. There’s bad apples everywhere and maybe you have one, but most farmers that I know are trying so hard. The good men out there are hardwired to provide and protect, and that’s what they feel they are doing.

Often our spouses have different love languages than we naturally have, and when we get tired, it gets harder to give love to our partner in the way they need it. So while they feel like they are doing everything they can to provide and protect us, we often just want to be told or shown how loved we are.

2. Harvest is not the time to learn how to do new things.

There are so many posts about how wives want to help, but their husbands won’t take the time to show them how to run the equipment. Sister, I say this with love: Harvest is not the time.

If you don’t know how to operate the tractor, let alone the tractor and grain cart, for the sake of all involved, don’t ask during harvest. I know your heart is in the right place, and if your husband thought it through, he would planned better for this kind of situation, but now is not the right time to learn something new. They might be nasty with your request and make you feel two inches tall. They don’t mean it. They’re tired and stressed. See #1, they love you.

Somebody told me at my bridal shower to be careful what I do once, because I’ll do it the rest of my life. If you truly want to know how to operate the equipment and work with your spouse in that way, you better be prepared to do it for the rest of your life, not just until you have your fill. Just learn outside of the busy season.

3. Just like with babies, the days are long, the years are short.

Harvest season feels never ending. It can feel so lonely and isolating and kids want to see their daddy. Bedtime routines get tiresome by yourself. You feel as though your husband only wants to see you when you bring them food in the field. It’s simply not the case.

Even if he doesn’t say it, he appreciates what you’re doing on the home front so he can stay in the field. Every meal you deliver whether he stops to eat it with you or takes it and runs, is appreciated. Trust me, I wish I had a meal-delivery person. You are an integral part of the operation. Whether it’s voiced or not, it’s appreciated.

Wrapping this up, busy seasons are always going to be hard. I hope you have one of the good ones that while incredibly stressed and busy, also speaks your love language in whatever small way to make sure you feel loved. Let go of the nasty words, tell him exactly what you need or want to feel loved from him while he’s working the long hours. And celebrate at the end. We don’t celebrate enough. It just rolls in to the next thing. Celebrate. This life is so hard. We need to rejoice and be thankful for the seasons.

With that said, I wish you all a safe and bountiful harvest. It will end, even though it feels as though it won’t. Your husband is trying. He loves you.

Kelsey Pagel is a Kansas farmer. She grew up on a cow/calf and row crop operation and married into another. Kelsey and her Forever (Matt) farm and ranch with his family where they are living their dream and loving most of the moments.