The Pumpkin Thief

Halloween is a bizarre holiday.

While our kids are growing up we constantly warn them about taking candy from strangers. And what do we do on Halloween? We encourage them to shake down strangers for candy!

We want our children to be themselves. But on Halloween, they are pretty much required to be anyone other than themselves. No wonder today’s youth have such a hard time figuring out their identities.

Most Halloween costumes were homemade when I was a kid. You could don some of Dad’s old work clothes, smear some grime on your face and go trick-or-treating as a hobo. Or you could requisition a bed sheet, cut strategic holes in it and go as a ghost. If the sheet happened to be avocado green, you could explain that you were a seasick spirit being.

We were so poor back when I was a kid, we often had to trick-or-treat with a brown paper grocery bag over our heads. There were times when we were so poor that we had to take turns with the same bag.

“Ooh!” a lady of the house might exclaim, “A ghoul with a red crayon mouth and nose! You look just like the last ghoul, who also had a red mouth and nose.”

Halloween has evolved into an industry and is now a major part of the American economy. 

For instance, hardly anybody decorated their lawns for Halloween back when I was a kid. If they did, it would involve something cheap or free, such a shock of corn or a raggedy scarecrow. A scarecrow that would look suspiciously similar to a hobo that made the rounds on Halloween eve.

These days, no self-respecting homeowner can get through Halloween without covering their entire lawn with spooky, Halloween-centric decorations. Some of the blow-up decorations sitting in front of houses are nearly the size of the actual house. And there seems to be an arms race regarding creepy animatronic machines whose aim appears to be to scare off squeamish trick-or-treaters.

Maybe this is a defensive strategy to forestall those who might be intent on participating in Halloween hijinks. Such activities were common back when I was a kid – or so I heard. We lived on a farm, so going to the neighbor’s house to tip over their privy would have involved running through the countryside at night. This seemed like way too much effort. It also sounded scary.

Nobody has outdoor facilities nowadays, unless you want to count those that are contained in campers. And tipping over a camper seems like a pretty ambitious hijinks project.

Back in the day, Halloween vandals might soap the windows of their victims’ houses. Most windows could use a good cleaning in the autumn, so I would view this as a favor. It would have been even better if the vandals had taken the next step in the cleaning process instead of just doing half the job.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, not least because it falls on the day after my birthday. When I was a boy, I would see all the Halloween decorations going up and be secretly pleased that so many people put so much effort into celebrating my birthday.

I do a bit of decorating each Halloween. Being an inherently stingy person, I accomplish this as cheaply as possible. Halloween decorating begins with growing pumpkins and gourds in our garden. I would hate to figure out the value of the labor that I put into producing these items; if I did, I would probably sit down and cry. But it’s the principle of the thing.

I recently harvested some pumpkins and gourds and arranged them tastefully by our farmhouse. But the next morning, several of the smaller pumpkins were gone. I had been hit by a nocturnal pumpkin thief!

It wasn’t difficult to find the culprit. Our dog, Bella, thinks that everything on the planet was put here for her enjoyment. She had played with some of the pumpkins and gourds and left them on the deck beside her doghouse. I guess she thought that the pumpkins looked better where she put them.

I placed my decorative fruits back where they belonged only to have them turn up missing again the next morning. I can take a hint. Bella obviously thinks that her Halloween decoration ideas are superior to mine. And I know better than to question a female regarding her fashion or home decoration choices.

So, I’m going to let Bella have her way on this one. But I’m going to draw the line if she comes into the house and tries to rearrange our Thanksgiving decorations.

Jerry’s book, “Dear County Agent Guy” can be found at www.workman.com and in bookstores nationwide.